It was 5.30am when my eyes opened.
As I looked out of the window, the sky was still dark with a thin layer of clouds floating around. And it seemed like there was a drizzle in the middle of the night.
I got up from the bed, brushed my teeth and washed my face – a series of automated actions controlling my life. Perhaps, that’s really what life is about.
Since I was early, I decided to go for my breakfast. As I walked along the street, the street lamp casted my shadow onto the cold ground, and then the shadow moved from the back to my front, till the elongated shadow was gone and the next lamp casted another shadow behind me. The cycle repeated itself.
After crossing the carpark, I came to the open space and saw that the plants and flowers were showered with water droplets. I couldn’t differentiate whether they were the morning dew or remnants of the rain. But they were all crystal clear.
Habitually, I looked into the dark sky and was surprised to see a full round moon covered in a thin layer of clouds that looked like a shawl, smiling at me. The pleasant surprise brought a smile upon my face and triggered memories of the days when I was living in a lonesome life.
As the world began to light up, I was already on the bus heading to office. The street lamps and trees whizzed past and my thoughts started to wander. It was a time of my own, with only memories as my company. And I recalled the day when I was in Starbucks cafe in Johor Bahru (JB).
Last week, when I reached JB with Elaine, the sky was quite clear and blue. It reminded me of a dear friend who loves blue sky. Hence I took a picture of the blue sky and sent it to her. I wondered what was she doing at that point in time.
Every time I came to JB, I would wonder why do I want to spend so much time travelling to another country just for shopping. I really can’t understand what is going through her mind. However, I have always offered to join her as I will be worried for her being alone in another country.
I used to ask her to go certain places in Singapore and she would return an unwilling look on her face and said: “So far and troublesome.” But when it comes to taking close to an hour train ride, and then another hour of bus ride, with interruptions such as immigration checkpoints, she doesn’t find it a hassle.
The weather on that day was really unpredictable. It was barely 2 hours and the sky was covered with dark clouds. It was said that a woman’s mood is like the weather, but isn’t it the same for a man?
As I stood under the dark sky smoking, I could feel the heat filled the air around me.
Taking the opportunity when Elaine shopped around, I came to Starbucks cafe and ordered a tall Latte. As I sat on the couch feeling bored, I thought of my dear friend.
I know she loves to go to Starbucks but I am not sure what she loves to drink. We never had the chance to enjoy each other’s company in the cafe.
Having been used to being alone and letting my thoughts fly, I watched strangers walking past by me but never looked at them closely. After all, we are just passers by in life.
With a book in my hands, my mind drifted and loneliness slowly crept in on me. I tried to get rid of it but failed and imagined it laughing slyly at me.
Then I recalled what I have learned recently on meditation and decided to put it to practice. I put down my book and closed my eyes and began to count my breathings, attempting to calm the mind that was running around like a wild horse.
And it worked! Soon, I fell into dreamland on the comfortable couch.
A time of my own was something that I have been wishing for in the past but not now. I seemed to be calm and quiet on the external but in actual fact, memories flocked to me and stirred ripples in my heart.
I’ve been spending time alone for many days and months, sipping coffee alone, with loneliness being the only friend and slowly I learned to make friends with my thoughts and let them flow freely.
These thoughts or memories could be painful but I would just look at them with no criticism.
Time will heal, I told myself….