一个人的时光(Time Alone)

 

早上5点半眼睛就睁开了。

望着窗外黑漆漆的天空,云层稀薄,想或许半夜曾下起毛毛雨吧?

于是,起身、刷牙、洗脸,一连串机动式的动作,操控着我的生活,仿佛人生就是如此。

既然起得早,便穿了上衣,出门去用早餐。

街道上孤身只影,路灯把自己的影子投在地面上,从身后随着我的步伐慢慢移到身前,然后越来越长,渐渐模糊,直至下一盏路灯再次将身影投递在身后,周而复始。

穿过停车场后,露天里的花草正披着一层层的水珠,像是早晨的露珠,又像是未干的雨水,颗颗晶莹剔透。

习惯性地举头望天,竟然发现一轮圆圆的明月躲在一层薄薄的云衣裳背后,俯瞰着我。这意想不到的美景让我发出了会心的微笑,想起了自己与月亮有关的网名,更想起了那段一个人踽踽独行的岁月。

天亮后,坐在大巴上往公司前行,一路上街灯与树木在我身旁掠过,思绪也随着倒退的街景而冉冉升起。一个人的时光,唯有记忆与我相伴。想起了那天一个人坐在柔佛的星巴克里,也是这样的思潮翻涌。

那天,当我和玲玲来到马国柔佛的时候,这异国的天空原本是晴朗的。望着蔚蓝的天空,我情不自禁地将那一幕捕捉了下来,只为发送给我那个久无联系的好友,想着不知道那一刻的她正在干些什么。

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每一次长途跋涉地来到马国柔佛,我都会怀疑自己为何会浪费那么多的时间,来到这个地方只为了购物。对于玲玲的心理我始终无法理解,但又不放心她一个人来到这陌生的地方独自逛街。

有时候,我提议到新加坡的某个地方,换回的是一副不愿的表情,以及一句“那么远,那么麻烦”。可是,搭乘几乎要一个小时的地铁,然后再转换大巴坐另一个小时的车程,途中还要上下车办理出境与入境的手续,她却似乎一点也不觉得烦躁。

那天的天气真的是变幻莫测,只不过是两个小时,原本晴朗的天空,突然就被一团团灰色的云簇遮盖了半边天。有人说:女人的心情就像天气一般难测,男人何尝不也是如此?

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站在乌云密布的天空下,默默地抽着烟,蔓延在空气间的热气依然裹住身体四周,没有一丝凉快的感觉。

趁玲玲购物的空隙,一个人来到了星巴克,点了最大杯的拿铁,坐在小小的圆桌前,百般无聊,蓦然想起了我的那个好友。

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我记得她很喜欢到星巴克去喝饮料,至于喝些什么饮料我却无从知道,因为我从来就没有那个机会和她一起在星巴克里闲暇的聊天。

再度习惯了一个人独处的时光,一个人默默地想着心事,任由人潮在我面前晃来晃去,却始终没有把任何人的脸孔瞧得清楚。毕竟,我们不过是最最没有丝毫关系的擦肩而过的陌生人。

手里虽然捧着一本书,可是心思却不在书上,而是缥缈在这人来人往的咖啡厅里。寂寞,带着一张诡异的笑容朝我靠近,想要将它赶走,却挥之不去,只好任由它在我的四周贪婪地嘲笑着我。

突然想起了最近在书本上读过的一些静心的技巧,想想正好派上用场。于是,把书放下,跟着闭目缓慢地呼吸,一进一出,数着呼吸,克制自己的心猿意马,尝试把心放下。

没想到还真有效,不多时竟然在舒服的沙发椅上进入了梦乡。

一个人的时光看似是静谧的,但也是翻涌的。表面上仿佛是自得其乐,悠哉闲哉,事实上,往事却如浪潮般不停地拍打堤岸,溅起心中朵朵的涟漪。

多少日子来,都是自己一个人度过时光,对着咖啡浅浅尝,伴着寂寞默默思考,慢慢地学会了如何与自己的思想共存,不去与它们计较。不管哪里有什么疼痛,就让它们继续地疼下去,不去批判,不去理会。时间,自然会用它最轻柔的手,抚平一切……

15.11.2016

文/林顺源

 

It was 5.30am when my eyes opened.

As I looked out of the window, the sky was still dark with a thin layer of clouds floating around. And it seemed like there was a drizzle in the middle of the night.

I got up from the bed, brushed my teeth and washed my face – a series of automated actions controlling my life. Perhaps, that’s really what life is about.

Since I was early, I decided to go for my breakfast. As I walked along the street, the street lamp casted my shadow onto the cold ground, and then the shadow moved from the back to my front, till the elongated shadow was gone and the next lamp casted another shadow behind me. The cycle repeated itself.

After crossing the carpark, I came to the open space and saw that the plants and flowers were showered with water droplets. I couldn’t differentiate whether they were the morning dew or remnants of the rain. But they were all crystal clear.

Habitually, I looked into the dark sky and was surprised to see a full round moon covered in a thin layer of clouds that looked like a shawl, smiling at me. The pleasant surprise brought a smile upon my face and triggered memories of the days when I was living in a lonesome life.

As the world began to light up, I was already on the bus heading to office. The street lamps and trees whizzed past and my thoughts started to wander. It was a time of my own, with only memories as my company. And I recalled the day when I was in Starbucks cafe in Johor Bahru (JB).

Last week, when I reached JB with Elaine, the sky was quite clear and blue. It reminded me of a dear friend who loves blue sky. Hence I took a picture of the blue sky and sent it to her. I wondered what was she doing at that point in time.

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Every time I came to JB, I would wonder why do I want to spend so much time travelling to another country just for shopping. I really can’t understand what is going through her mind. However, I have always offered to join her as I will be worried for her being alone in another country.

I used to ask her to go certain places in Singapore and she would return an unwilling look on her face and said: “So far and troublesome.” But when it comes to taking close to an hour train ride, and then another hour of bus ride, with interruptions such as immigration checkpoints, she doesn’t find it a hassle.

The weather on that day was really unpredictable. It was barely 2 hours and the sky was covered with dark clouds. It was said that a woman’s mood is like the weather, but isn’t it the same for a man?

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As I stood under the dark sky smoking, I could feel the heat filled the air around me.

Taking the opportunity when Elaine shopped around, I came to Starbucks cafe and ordered a tall Latte. As I sat on the couch feeling bored, I thought of my dear friend.

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I know she loves to go to Starbucks but I am not sure what she loves to drink. We never had the chance to enjoy each other’s company in the cafe.

Having been used to being alone and letting my thoughts fly, I watched strangers walking past by me but never looked at them closely. After all, we are just passers by in life.

With a book in my hands, my mind drifted and loneliness slowly crept in on me. I tried to get rid of it but failed and imagined it laughing slyly at me.

Then I recalled what I have learned recently on meditation and decided to put it to practice. I put down my book and closed my eyes and began to count my breathings, attempting to calm the mind that was running around like a wild horse.

And it worked! Soon, I fell into dreamland on the comfortable couch.

A time of my own was something that I have been wishing for in the past but not now. I seemed to be calm and quiet on the external but in actual fact, memories flocked to me and stirred ripples in my heart.

I’ve been spending time alone for many days and months, sipping coffee alone, with loneliness being the only friend and slowly I learned to make friends with my thoughts and let them flow freely.

These thoughts or memories could be painful but I would just look at them with no criticism.

Time will heal, I told myself….

15.11.2016

Francis Lim

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