我只想自私地为自己活…… / I just want to be selfish and live for myself….

20161202-_dsc0001-edit


English version after the Chinese version…

蓝蓝的天,白白的云,辽阔的天空除了蓝与白之外,什么也没有,只是一片宁静。

站在窗前,无视于屋子里面窜来窜去的正忙着更换我家空调的工作人员。

曾几何时,我能够这样平静地望着天空而不为周遭的一切所影响?尽管有思念,有牵挂,却也不曾让一丝烦恼染上心扉。

或许,时间真的能够疗愈一切的伤痕;

也或许是近日来勤奋坐禅与站桩的果实吧;

开始坐禅的时候,只是带着一份侥幸,希望能够借此来稳住内心起伏不定的情绪。

后来,从坐禅延伸到站桩,去体会从未经历的心灵自在。虽然偶尔难免还会心猿意马,心浮气躁,却已经慢慢地学会了如何去观照那些飘扬的思绪。

而后,也渐渐地发现当我真正去观察自己的身体与情绪时,内心里隐藏多年的声音竟然不经意地被唤醒了。

原来,年近半百,我都不曾真正地为自己活过,更不知道自己想要的是什么。

多少年来,都在为别人而活,打从“毕业”以后,便随波逐流地工作,结婚生子,然后以一份爱心去扛起一些不该有的负担。

而所有的言行举止以及面具,都是在为他人而披上了连自己也无法窥探的盔甲,导致迷失了自己的本性。

为了让家人可以过得安逸舒适,在物质上也算从不吝啬,该有的都有了,该去的地方也带她们去了。结果长养的是她们一颗无法满足的心,更培养了她们的惰性,自己也在无意中沦陷在物质的欲望里。

对于爸妈,一直以为自己是孝顺的,直到近日才发现自己与他们隔离了好远好远的距离。我们之间从来都不知道对方真正想要的是什么, 而真正的孝顺不是一味的去完成他们的理想,或是成为他们心目中的孩子,而是好好地过完我自己的一生。

至于朋友之间,曾经我是那么热衷于帮助朋友,在他们需要慰藉的时候,给予我最真挚的关怀与陪伴,时而为了让对方感动或开心,更作出一些不知所谓的承诺与行为。

可是,过了那么多年,做了那么多事,结果却发现其实我根本就没有把真正长久的快乐带给他们,更何况是自己。

最近所读到的心灵书籍都在说快乐是自己寻找的,就像人们自寻烦恼一样。没有人可以给予任何一个人快乐,因为真正的快乐是发自内心的能量,是一种安然自在的心态。

我们凭什么可以对他人说你只要这样、那样,就会快乐;

我们凭什么可以对对方说,你想要的我都可以给你,让你快乐;

我们凭什么觉得我们为对方选择的路,或是给予的劝告,就一定是最好的一条路;

我们又凭什么要去取悦对方而委屈自己,认为这样做就能给对方一份快乐与幸福?

大千世界,一样米养百样人,人人性格不同,因此同样的人、事、物都会有不同的体会与感受。

我们认为是对的,未必全然是对。

俗人往往都以世俗的眼光,人世的常理去审视一件事,可结果不一定会是我们想象的。

那么,我们是否真应该为自己的快乐负责,而不是把快乐寄托在别人的身上,或是把别人的快乐扛在自己的肩上?

我真的曾经快乐过吗?还是,这一切的一切不过是物质与情感给予的短暂的快乐呢?

望着天空里的云卷云舒,它们是那么悠哉闲哉地漂浮着,御风而行。尽管它们所飘的方向或许并不是心之所愿,可是,它们仍然自在的生存着。

无常的云,无常的人生,物质的享受,刹那间也变得如此的无常。在许许多多的得得失失之间,我体会到快乐竟是如此的短暂,在得失的面前是如此的不堪一击。

我从没真正去想我想要过的生活是怎样的,因为我害怕当我涉及自己想要的理想时,我会伤害了爱我疼我的人。

于是所有我的理想,我的憧憬,我的愿望,在每一个柴米油盐酱醋茶的日常生活里被深深地掩盖住了。我以为只要扮演成别人心目中的形象,就是疼他们,爱他们,就能把快乐与幸福给予对方,可终究那还是我的“以为”。

那是错误的思维。

为别人而活并不是对别人慈悲,更甭说对自己慈悲,因为每个人的快乐都要自己去争取。

真正的慈悲是为自己而活,然后再用一颗发自内心的慈悲去帮助真正需要的人。

而从今以后,我只想自私地为自己而活……

03.12.2016

文/林顺源

English Version

20161202-_dsc0001-edit

The sky was blue. The cloud was white. Other than the blue and the white, there was nothingness, except a sense of peacefulness.

I was standing in front of the windows, looking out into the sky, ignoring the contractors who were moving in and out of the living room, trying to change my house air conditioner.

It has been such a long time when I could really find peace in my heart, and not disturbed by what was happening around me. I felt peace in my heart, something that was really rare for me.

Perhaps time can really heal all wounds;

Or perhaps my recent meditations have helped me find the peace that I have always needed.

When I first started meditation, I was just trying my luck, hoping that it would help to calm my mind. And as I practise more, I began to be able to control my thoughts better. And gradually I began to hear my inner voice telling me something that I have hidden long long time ago.

In all these years, I have been living my life for others. Since the day I “graduated” from school, I’ve been following with the flow of river, working, getting married, and shouldered responsibilities alone when it could have been shared. It was out of love that I wished to make people around me to feel loved and cared for.

And I began to put on a mask everywhere I go, pretending to be the saint I wanted to be, such that I finally lost myself.

I have pampered my family with material and luxurious stuffs, and developed their sense of dependency on me, and to a certain extent, laziness. And I, myself, has inadvertently fallen into the same trap, enjoying the short term happiness that material stuffs brought to me.

Towards my parents, I have always thought that I have been filial, only to realise that we are so far apart from each other. I do not know them well, they don’t know me much either. Recently, I gradually learned that to live my life fully and happily is the best way to appreciate and thank them for bringing me into this beautiful world.

As for my friends, I have always believed in extending my hands and listening ears whenever they need. I showered them with love and sometimes made promises just to make them feel loved.

But after all these years and so much that I have done, not only did I not bring all of them happiness, I have also made myself tired and unhappy.

Recently, I’ve been reading up a lot of books on Buddhism and soul searching and I learned that happiness comes from within and not outside of our hearts. Nobody can give us happiness other than ourselves, likewise, there’s absolutely no way I can give anybody happiness. Happiness is a sense of inner peace that we feel in our heart.

We have always thought that by giving advices to others based on our own experiences, or what we have learned through books, will be the right path to happiness for the other parties;

We have always promised our loved ones that we will do what we can to make them happy;

And we have even ill treated ourselves by doing things that may be against our will subconsciously just to make others happy.

But we have been wrong.

All human kinds are of different personalities. We bear different feelings, emotions and thoughts. What we think will make us feel good and happy may not apply to another person.

Isn’t it then foolish to depend on others to provide us happiness when nobody truly knows what we want? Isn’t it then silly to try to please others to make them happy when they themselves do not know what they want? It’s even more silly to blame ourselves when we are unable to provide the happiness that our loved ones need.

Have I ever been truly happy? And was my happiness a result of all the material and luxurious stuffs that was so short lived?

As I gazed upon the clouds, they were so carefree as they glided with the wind. They did not complain though the wind may be blowing the direction that they didn’t wish to go.

As I think of the the ever changing form of the clouds, the ever changing human life, and the gains and losses in life, happiness became more short lived.

For many years, I have never truly known what I want in life, for I was afraid that what I wished for may hurt the people around me. Henceforth, all my dreams and wishes were buried deeply under the everyday lifestyle that was so robotic and monotonous. I was just trying my best to love the people around me and thought that I could bring happiness to their lives.

But that was just what I thought. Things didn’t really happen the way I wanted it to.

And I come to realise that to live for others is not being compassionate to them, let alone myself. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness, not mine.

True compassion is to live life for myself, and share my happiness with the less fortunate with an open heart.

And for once, I wish to be selfish and live for myself….

03.12.2016

(translated on 09.12.2016)

Francis Lim

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: