自我反映(三)——情绪的翻涌 / Self Reflection (3) — A twirling emotion

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开工的第一天,我已经完全地投入了。从早上到中午,除了吸烟之外,一直都在处理邮件以及计划项目。

午饭后,阴暗的天空忽然开始飘起绵绵细雨。尽管如此,我仍然依照我的计划实行,撑着一把伞行走在行人步道上。

由于下雨,行人步道上鲜有人迹,只有道路上无数的车辆时不时地从我身边疾驰而过。

而我却一步一脚印缓慢地步行着,一边步行,一边数着自己的呼吸。

吸气——我默念“平静”。

呼气——我默念“自在”。

静静地一个人这样走着,望着眼前细细的雨帘,丝毫不觉得无聊,也不觉得纳闷,只有一些思绪偶尔地闯入我的脑海,打翻了我的静思。

从公司开始起步,我绕着大马路转了一圈,我相信我的举动时不时地引来一些诧异的目光。

我视若无睹,只是尽量尽情地感受活在当下的愉悦——不思过去,不想未来。

回到公司的时候,竟然发现这样的在雨天步行也会弄得汗流浃背,额头都是一滴一滴的汗珠。打开手机一看,我走了整整一个小时。

傍晚准时下班,一个人到碧山总车站用晚餐,然后再搭公车回家。

来到组屋楼下的时候,习惯性地抽出一根香烟,然后点燃,开始了吞云吐雾。

不知何故,一股惆怅突袭而至,心头竟然气血翻涌。

我确切地知道那是张讲师嘴里所说的情绪又再在黄庭里作祟。我只感到一股气流在黄庭里翻滚,仿佛是被困在小牢笼里的猛兽,急欲挣脱捆绑,不停地冲撞。曾经我叫那股气流为心痛,今天我却明了那只是一股不受控制的情绪。

啊!我的负面情绪来了!也许是某个念头,某个思绪,或是某个场景挑起了心中的那份情绪。

望着手里食指与中指夹着的香烟,烟雾冉冉升起,渐渐地与空气融为一体,消失了。

我闭上双眼,然后自言自语道:”亲爱的,我看见你又开始寻找被遗忘,被忽视以及不被爱的感受了。没事的。如果痛的话,就让它痛吧。去经历这个痛,去接纳它,与它和平共处,然后再把它放下,好吗?”

嗯。感受从强烈慢慢地转换成一道泊泊而流的气流,如脉搏一般,缓慢地在黄庭里蠕动。我知道我已开始把它降服了。

于是我默默地对着自己的内在小孩说起话来:

“亲爱的顺源,不要自责。你已经做得很好了。你能做的,你都做了,你不能做的,你也尽量去做了。有些事情只有老天能够决定,轮不到你去管。他人的事,你只能让他们自己去解决。他们的幸福掌握在他们的的手里,不是你的手里。这些年来,在许多方面你都已经承担了许多。而为了他人,你也付出了你的真心,你已经做得比许多人都好了。别忘了他们曾经在你身上得到无比的快乐与幸福感……”

我的眼眶潮湿了,但心也渐渐平静了。此时,烟早已熄了,于是回家洗澡坐禅,结束一天的生活。

今天,我是否有活在当下呢?

有,也没有……

但我相信,我会越来越好的……

03.01.2017

文/林顺源

It was the first day of work of a new year, and I have already started to put in my heart and should into work. From morning till noon, other than smoking, I spent my time managing my emails and projects.

After lunch, it started to drizzle but yet I proceeded as planned to walk around the office vicinity as part of my new plan – walking meditation.

As it was drizzling, there was not many people in the streets and I took a slow pace and counted my breath as I walk.

Breathe in – I said to myself in my heart:”Peace”

Breathe out – I said to myself in my heart:”Freedom”

Observing the drizzles in front of me, I didn’t feel bored or bothered, only thoughts that came into my mind once in a while that disturbed the peace within me.

I believed I have attracted some curious attention but I have ignored them. And by the time I made a big round, an hour has passed and I was perspiring despite the drizzle.

After work, I had dinner at Bishan Interchange alone before I took the bus back to my house.

As usual, I lighted a cigarette upon reaching my block and began puffing away and for whatever reason, an emotion rushed into my heart and I could feel a flow of “energy” in the middle of my chest. (In ancient China, they called it “Huang ting”. A small area smack right in the middle of the chest where energy forms and affects our emotions. I do not know exactly what it is called in English).

I knew at that very moment that my emotion has arisen and it was working on me. I could feel something twirling in that small area, as if it was trapped and trying to get out of that place. I have once termed it as “heartache” but now I know it’s just an emotion that has gone out of control.

Ah! My negative emotion has come, which could be caused by a thought, a memory or a scene.

I looked at the cigarette in my hand and saw how the smoke disappear into thin air. Then I closed my eyes and said to myself:”My dear, I can see that you are seeking to be hurt and deserted. It’s ok my dear. If you feel like letting out, just do it. Experience the pain, go through it, accept it, and then let it go, ok?”

I did what I told myself and I could feel that energy reducing in my “Huang ting” and gradually it began to pulsate slowly. I knew I have subdued it with the little practice.

Next, I began to talk to the lost soul within me:

“My dear Francis, do not blame yourself. You have done well. Whatever that you can do, you have done it. Whatever you can’t do, you have also tried your best. There are things beyond your control, only heaven can decide. Do not worry about other people’s problems, let them be responsible for their own lives. Their happiness lie in their own hands. For years, you have shouldered as much as you can and you have also given your sincerity and heart and soul to people whom you love. You have done better than many people. And don’t forget, they have received happiness and joy from your love….”

Tears gathered in my eyes but peace began to fill my heart.

I went home and showered and ended the day with peace.

So, have I lived in the present moment?

Yes and no.

But I believe, I will become better and better……

03.01.2017

Francis Lim

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