自我反映(五)——一只死老鼠带给我的奇异念头 / Self-Reflections (5) – Thoughts from a dead rat

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今天早上突然有了一个很奇异的念头。

上班的途中,即将抵达公司的时候,想起自己的香烟就快完了,于是折回头到附近的咖啡厅去买。

一如往常地微微低首而行,忽然间一只蛮大只的老鼠肚腹朝天的映入我的眼帘,就在我身前一尺半静静地躺着。但见它的身躯还挺肥硕,尾巴长长的,也不知因何而死。

我愣了一下(其实我真的不知道自己为何而楞,因为我不是第一次看见死老鼠),对着那只死老鼠迷惑地凝望,说也不信,我的心里头竟然不受控制地涌上上千成万的念头。

“怎么会有一只死老鼠在这儿啊?”

“好像是刚刚死的,因为尸体还没腐烂……”

“怎么没有人清理啊?”

“我该怎么做呢?”

“我是不是应该把它拾起来,丢在垃圾桶呢?”

“可是我该用什么把它拾起来呢?”

“徒手抓着它的尾巴吗?”

“会不会引来别人诧异的目光啊?”

“还是跟清道夫借一把扫帚和畚箕将它收拾吧?”

“那要不要把它埋了呢?”

想了许多,可是我却没有动手,

只是瞬间,我便决定了视若无睹地绕过它,继续前进,可是心口却又一股闷气堵着堵着,仿佛自己犯了什么错似的。

最为奇怪的是,我竟然想到了禅修书里其中的一个故事:

一名男子知道自己心爱的前女友披上婚纱走入教堂,可是新郎不是他,不禁地问佛为何如此。于是佛便让他看了一个画面。

画面里女子赤裸裸的躺在沙滩上,已经身亡,而男子正巧路过,看见女子赤裸的尸体,于心不忍,便找了一块布为她披上,然后继续上路。而后又来了另一个男子,也看见了女子的尸身,在同情与慈悲的心态下,挖了一个坑埋葬女子。

佛对男子说:“前一世,当你经过女子尸体的时候,出于好心为她掩盖了她赤裸的身体,今生她便来偿还这一份债,成了你的女朋友。可是,她还有另一份更深的债需要偿还,那就是那个将她埋葬的男子,也就是她今生的丈夫。”

那如果我帮它收尸了,来世会不会来报答我啊?那我可不是要娶一只老鼠做老婆?或许最近看的佛书太多了,导致有点“走火入魔”了。

事实上,我确实真的不知该如何做才对,而因为我的视若无睹,更因为我害怕他人的目光,我感到非常的愧疚……但愿它往生极乐,阿弥陀佛!

记得前阵子梅儿曾经看了我的文章,在了解我近日来的生活之后,曾经对我说过:“你快出家了……”

我的第一个反应就是:“不可能的。”

我很了解自己,我是一个感性的人,心里充满了“小爱”,虽然致力于把这份“小爱”提升,却还未到慈悲的境界。而且,我目前的言行举止,为的只不过是寻找真我,但盼能够得到一颗平静的心就足矣……

05.01.2017

文/林顺源

A weird thought came into my mind this morning as I saw a dead rat.

I was walking towards office as usual, with my eyes on the ground, when I came upon a dead rat lying just a few feet in front of me.

I was stunned for a moment and observed the big fat rat with a long tail.

“Why would there be a dead rat here?”

“It seemed to have just died as the body is still not decomposed.”

“Why wasn’t it cleared?”

“What shall I do?”

“Shall I pick it up and dump it into the bin?”

“How shall I pick it up? By the tail?”

“Will I attract attention?”

“Shall I borrow a bloom and pan from the cleaner?”

“Shall I bury it?”

Numerous weird thoughts ran through my mind but I did not take any action. And after a while, I just decided to move on, with a guilty feeling lingering in my heart, as if I have done something wrong.

There was this story that goes:

A man was feeling disappointed and upset over the marriage of his ex-girlfriend and he asked Buddha why things have happened that way.

Buddha flashed a scene to him, where a naked lady was lying dead on a sea shore. What happened next was the man passed by and out of goodwill, found a piece of cloth and covered the lady’s naked body and moved on. After a while, another man passed by and out of compassion, that man buried the woman.

Buddha said to the man who was feeling disappointed:”In your past life, you have done a good deed to this woman and she has come to repay you by being your girlfriend. However, she has a greater debt towards the man who has buried her. And that man is now her husband.”

It was kind of weird that this story came into my mind when I decided to move on and not do anything to the dead rat. And if I have taken action and buried it, will it come back and repay me in my next life, by being my wife? Have I read too much into Buddhism and rebirth, that I have gone astray?

In actual fact, I didn’t know what to do with it and I was afraid to attract attention. As a result, I have chosen to ignore it and thus the sense of guilt filled my heart. May it be blessed, Amitabha!

Recently, one of my friends was telling me that the way I am practising meditation as well as changing my mindset, I am walking towards the path of being a monk.

I told her that it is not impossible. At this point in time, I truly understand myself, that I am just an emotional person, and what I posses is just love and not compassion. All I am seeking is just some peace in my soul……

05.01.2017

Francis Lim

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