不再有遗憾 / No More Regrets

  English version below

身为东方人,对于“我爱你”这三个字,通常只用于情人之间,总是对父母有点难以启齿。

尤其是像我这种处在新旧时代之间的中年人。

可是一旦跨出那个心理障碍,一切就会变得很自然了。

除夕夜

除夕夜,当姐弟两家人都离开了之后,整间屋子忽然显得有点冷清。

一个人惯常地坐在门口处吸烟,看见母亲瘦小的身躯坐在藤椅上,对着重播了无数次的电影无言地凝望。

望着母亲日渐衰老的模样,想起了父亲在吃团年饭时对我说的一番话,一阵心疼涌上心头。父亲他说:“你妈老了,许多东西她都记不清了,而且越来越健忘……”

我什么也没说,因为父亲的那句话勾起了我的记忆,那是好几个星期前让我感到心疼的一件事。

还记得那个星期日早上,我们姐弟决定带双亲去吃点心,让一家团聚。

吃饱喝足后,妈妈想去洗手间,我便领着她来到洗手间门口,然后独自回到餐桌,没想过母亲是否懂得如何回来。

可是尽管餐厅与洗手间只有百步之遥,过了许久仍然不见母亲的踪影,于是慌张地在商场里寻找母亲。

当我看见母亲面带微笑地迎向我时,我的心似乎被针扎了一下。

我开口问她:“妈,你跑去哪儿了?”

她傻傻地笑着,然后说:“我找不到餐厅,兜了好几圈,就是找不到。”

“……”

我无言以对,只好故作轻松地把她带回餐厅,可是我的心却淌出血来了。

梦想的实现

“你必须全心全意地渴望你想要的东西, 因为渴望是一种爱的能量。唯有付出爱,你才能收获爱!“——朗达。拜恩;

2014年的年末,我秉着一颗“今日不知明日事”的心态,做了一个梦想。
在我的记忆中,缘由我们的经济实况,父母从来都没有带我们三姐弟到外国去旅行,因此我希望在双亲有生之年能够带他们出国游玩,与一家大小三代同堂地共享天伦之乐。于是,我开始计划一次非比寻常的台湾之旅,更对姐弟说明不能缺少任何一家的成员。
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2015年6月,我带着大家到台湾好好地玩了好几天,终于都把自己的梦想实现,原以为今生再也没有遗憾了。

如今,望着母亲那一头的白发,想起她帮我们折叠衣服时那充满慈爱与缓慢的动作,心情起伏不定,便想起了自己还有一个心愿未曾实践,那就是对爸妈说一声“我爱你”。

这件事在我心里已经隐藏了一年多了,始终未能完成,毕竟在我的记忆中,从来都没有听过父母对我说过“我爱你”,因此总是把爱他们的心摆在心里,不曾言表。

对于这件事,好友碧君曾经无数次地鼓励我(有时甚至是催促我)尽快把这件事完成,可我总是有所保留。她知道我很爱我的爸妈,也希望我能够毫无遗憾地过完余生,我更知道她希望我能够让她引以为傲。

大年初一

大年初一醒来时,我便开始了在心里重复地演习那天要实践的计划。

当母亲在厨房里准备着午餐要用的食料时,柔儿也正在用早餐。她的存在或曾让我迟疑了一会儿,但最终我决定那是我以身作则最好的时机。

于是,提了两粒橘子以及一个红包,我走向母亲,向她拜年,并张开我的双手给她一个拥抱,对她说:“妈,我爱你!”。

在那一刻,积累在心里的一颗石头仿佛被我释放了出来,于是我带着一颗感动的心到碧山公园开始我的步行禅。

我的祈祷被感应到了

或许是大年初一的关系,碧山公园里人烟稀少,天空里灰白的云朵缓慢的漂浮,似乎在酝酿着一场风雨。

我带着满满的感动走在弯弯曲曲的步道上,一边享受着雨的气息,一边欣赏着那一片充满绿意的公园,心胸敞开了许多。

走了一段路之后,天空果然开始飘下绵绵的雨点,犹如我在电影里看到的雪花飘飘一般,冰凉的雨水降落在我的身躯,瞬间就消失无踪。

又过一阵,原本飘坠的雨点忽然变成斜斜下垂的细细的雨丝,似乎有倾盆而下的趋势。有些人已经开始加快脚步,或是往亭子奔赴,或是希望能够在大雨倾下之前赶回家。

运用着近日来学习到的心想事成的法则,我张开双臂,一边走一边虔诚地祈祷:“亲爱的宇宙,请您让我完成余下的路程吧。今天,我的心满满的都是感动与爱,我想带着这份感动与爱走完它。宇宙啊,请您不要让大雨降临,就让雨水在空中飘舞即可,让我可以感受此刻的美好!”

上天仿佛真的感应到我的祈祷,雨水并没有变大,反而越变越小,回到了起初的绵绵细雨。途中偶尔还会看到一两只花蝴蝶在花丛里穿来梭去,在空中曼舞,好不美丽。

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在我绕了一圈后,阳光已经拨开云雾,洒在这充满生命的公园。于是我依照原定计划,在地板上盘膝而坐,在鸟语人声的陪伴下,冥想了半个小时。

 

第二步

回到家来,父亲刚弄完午餐,正在拖着地板。父亲的虎背熊腰,在那天看起来佝偻了许多,我看见岁月正慢慢地侵蚀他的健康。

待他把一切都弄妥善了,我再次鼓起勇气,依然是两粒橘子,一个红包,把最真心的祝福献给父亲,并给了他一个拥抱,在他耳边说:“爸,我爱你!”

我清晰地听见父亲开心的笑声在我耳边回荡,更可以感觉到父亲的惊讶与喜悦。而我的心底里就在那一刻涌上了一句:“我不再有任何遗憾了……”

发人深省的四句话

晚上7点,一如既往地一个人到电影院去看电影——《西游2——伏妖篇》,是我最喜欢的周星驰监制的电影。我的身边有许多人对周星驰有了许多误解,对于他的“无厘头”不敢苟同,有些甚至是鄙视。可是,我总可以在他电影里学习到一些人生的道理,甚或是一丝丝的感动。

我非常喜欢《西游2》里面的四句话,觉得真的发人深省:

“有过痛苦,方知众生痛苦”;

“有过执著,放下执著”;

“有过牵挂,了无牵挂”;

“世上最难过的关,是情关”;

这个二元对立的大千世界,的确是需要经历许多才能真正懂得人生,而世上最难过的关,确实是情关。

但我不再把情之一字理解成男女之间的爱情,而是包括了亲人之间的亲情。以上的四句话含义甚深,尤其是前面那三句,说着容易,实习却难。

当我想起父母逐渐年迈的身躯,我知道“来日方长”对我们三姐弟已经算是一种奢侈,而我必须开始学会懂得了无牵挂了。

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不再有遗憾

“生命把一切呈现在我们面前,是为了让我们选择什么是我们应该爱的”——朗达。拜恩;

看完电影回到家后,我创建了一个“姐弟群”,群里只有我们三姐弟。然后,我就发了这样一条信息给他们:“姐和弟,今天我趁着给爸妈拜年的时候,第一次对他们说了我爱他们。我也给了他们一个拥抱。现在,我也想对你们说:姐姐,我爱你;弟弟,我也爱你。我希望你们能够花多点时间陪爸妈,尤其是妈妈,她真的老了。我们什么也不必做,只要在她身边就可以了。“

过了几分钟,弟弟就回复了,他说:“你说得对,谢谢你让我们知道。我也爱你和姐姐。”

我惊讶于弟弟的回复,因为这是我兄弟俩最亲近的言语吧?

今天早上,当我睁开眼的刹那,姐姐的回复就映入我的眼帘:“我也爱你们俩……”这一切的发生,都是我创造的。

今天,我感恩一生中所经历的一切,不论好与坏;我也感恩所有走进我的生命的人,不论此刻我们是否还有联系。我曾经秉着“今日不知明日事”的心态去对待人生,可是现在我却更愿意“活在当下”。

2017年的大年初一对于我来说意义深重,因为我知道,即便此刻我离开了这个世界,我已经不再有任何遗憾。我已经对所有我爱的人说了那句:“我爱你!”

若是有机会的话,我也会对我较好的朋友说一声“我爱你!”

29.01.2017

文/林顺源


As an Asian, it wasn’t easy to say the 3 words to our parents and siblings, though it is easy to say these 3 words to our lovers.
At least it wasn’t easy before I did it.
But it became easier when the first step was taken.
Eve of Chinese New Year
As I sat there smoking on the eve of Chinese New Year, I looked at mom’s petite (in fact skinny) body sitting quietly on the rattan couch.
The house was quiet and I spent my time observing mom. Her eyes were focused on the television screen which was playing an old movie that she has watched many times.
I was caught by surprise by an emotion that rushed into my heart suddenly and tears began to gather in my eyes. And I thought to myself: mom is really getting very old, and she is losing her memories bit by bit (and dad has been reminding me every now and then).
I recalled a recent incident that really made my heart ached. We have gone for a family breakfast in one of the mall and mom wanted to go to the ladies. I walked her to the ladies and went back to the restaurant. It didn’t occur to me that mom would get herself lost, as the restaurant was just about 100 metres straight up from the ladies.
She did not come back.
When I found her, I could see that she felt lost. With a walking stick in her right hand, she smiled to me and said she couldn’t find the restaurant. My heart began to ache though my face displayed nothing.
With this recollection of this incident and what dad told me during the reunion dinner, I made a plan and decided to execute it on the very first day of Chinese New Year.
A Dream Came True
“Desire what you want with all your heart because desire is a feeling of love, and you must give love to receive what you love.” — Rhonda Byrne
At the end of 2014, I had a dream.
My dream was to bring my parents out for a holiday with all of us, yes, all of us, including my siblings family. I had the dream because mom and dad have never brought us out for any overseas trip (not that I can remember) and I know they love us and our children.
I wanted them to enjoy their life for at least once, to be with their children and grand children for a good few days.
So I insisted that no matter how busy my siblings and their spouses would be, I want to make sure that we have everybody in the family to be present.
I planned and worked out a free and easy trip to Taiwan in 2015, where my siblings and I will sponsor mom and dad’s expenses. It was a good trip, the first and one and only trip (so far) that really brought the whole family together. We spent a good week doing nothing but enjoying sceneries and spending time together as one big family.
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I thought I have no more regrets till last night. Then I recalled, I have one more thing that I have not done, and that is, telling mom and dad that I love them.
I have always wanted to do that, but it has never happened. It could be due to the way I was brought up, it could be that I have never been that close to them before. And I cannot recall the last time they have said that to me.
My best friend, Pik Kuan, used to encourage me (in fact, she urged and pushed me) to tell my parents that I love them. but I was too reserved. She knew that I love my parents and wanted me to live my life without regrets. She would be proud of me if I have done so.
First Day of Chinese New Year
Mom was already preparing for food for lunch when I woke up. I rehearsed myself in my mind on the promise I made to myself the night before. By the time I was ready, Charlene was having her breakfast in the kitchen where mom was. I hesitated for a moment.
Then I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to lead by example how to love our family members.
So I picked up two mandarin oranges and a red packet and walked towards mom. When she saw me with the gesture ready to wish her as part of CNY’s practice, she put down her knife and turned towards me. I gave her my wishes and blessings, and then I opened my arms, hugged her and steadily, with full of love, I said to her: “Mom, I love you.”
Then I prepared myself for my walking meditation since dad hasn’t come to my house yet.
My Wish Was Heard
As I walked in the park trying to keep my mind calm, my heart was filled with gratitude and emotions. The sky soon turned dark and raindrops began to fall from the sky and getting heavier. I saw others running for shelter or rushing back to avoid getting drenched.
I opened my arms wide, embracing the cool water droplets falling onto my face and body. And I began to pray to the sky: “My dear universe, if you can hear me, please let the rain stop, or at least maintain. Do not let the rain pour, for I wish to complete this walk. Let me enjoy this walk with my heart full of gratitude and love.”
I pressed on and strolled along the winding path. Along the way, I saw butterflies making themselves busy among the flowers. I watched how they danced gracefully in the air and stopping on a flower for a moment before they danced to the next. It was a beautiful sight.
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The rain never did pour. In fact, it stopped and the sun came out. I was thankful and meditated for half an hour under the warmth of the sun before heading home.
The Second Step
It seemed to be more difficult to say “I love you” to dad, but I finally did.
When I reached home, he was already here, preparing lunch for the family. Once again, I took up the courage and motioned towards him with 2 oranges and a red packet. I gave him my wishes and blessings too, and of course not forgetting the hug that I wanted to give him long ago, and then I said to him: “Father, I love you…”
I could feel that he was surprised and happy, and I told myself at that point in time, “I have no more regrets.”
Words That Touched My Heart
I went to the movie alone, as usual. It was produced by my favourite superstar, Stephen Chow. Many people do not have a good impression of his movies, but I do. Many people have not really understood him, but I have always learned something in his movies (especially the last few years’ movies).
The title was “Journey To The West 2) and there are 4 statements that really triggered my thoughts deeply, especially when I have been practising meditation in the recent months:
When you have suffered pain, you know all the pains of sentient beings
When you have insisted, you know how to let go
When you have cared for others, you know how to move on
The greatest obstacle in this world is love…..
These statements are profound, and not easily understood or practise. But once we are able to truly understand what they mean, we begin to know what life is.
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No More Regrets
“Life presents everything to you for you to choose what you love!” — Rhonda Byrne;
To make my day complete, I created a group chat “Sis&Bro” and sent this to them:
“Sis and bro, I have taken the opportunity to give red packet to mom and dad today and told them I love them for the very first time. I have also hugged them. And now I want to tell you this too: sis, I love you and bro, I love you too… and I think you should spend more tie with mom and dad, especially mom, she’s really getting old. Just be here will do.”
After a couple of minutes, brother replied: “Ok thanks for letting us know. You are right. Love both of you too. Will take note of that.”
It was a surprise to me, and it was the first time I am getting so close to my brother too.
And sister’s message came in the morning as I opened my eyes — “I love both of you too….”
I am thankful for all the events that have happened in my life, regardless whether good or bad; I am thankful for all the people who have walked into my life, regardless whether we are still in touch or not. I used to believe in “living life as if there’s no tomorrow” but now I practise living in the present moment.
It was a great first day of Chinese New Year for me, and I know that if I am to leave this world now, I have no more regrets, for I have said “I love you” to all the people I wanted to say to.
When time comes, I will say these 3 words to all my closer friends.
29.01.2017
Francis Lim
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