English version below……
Whenever I see his messages came into the group chat, I can’t help it but to feel disgusted, and had an urge to make a sarcastic remark about his actions or words.
I have actually done it many times, allowing my subconscious mind to get the better of me. I would joked about his words to another colleague and we will have a laugh at it.
Today, I continue to feel disgusted when his messages came into the group chat, but I am more aware of my own thoughts. Instead of triggering a sarcastic remark to my colleague, I will pause for a moment and reflect upon myself. I will look into my own inner soul and think in great depth, trying hard to find what is it that disgusted me so much.
I’ve not been able to find the root cause, but I am clearly aware that whatever he says or does, I just don’t like it. In short, I simply dislike him totally. Some may call it bias, some may say that I”m just not being rationale. But I’m pretty sure it has to do with all the experiences I had with him for so many years.
But again, why can’t I just behave like “see no evil, hear no evil”?
I contribute my self awareness to the recent practice of mindfulness and meditation. With each meditation, I let my mind rest. And with mindfulness, I allow myself to live at that present moment. I have learned to look from within for happiness, and acknowledged that any unhappiness is self created rather than given by any external environment.
What is it in him that I dislike so much? I have been asking myself, even till today. Is his behaviour triggering some bad memories of mine? Or are they reminding me of my own weaknesses?
I attempted to list down some of the things that I don’t like about him, and yet I’ve problem co-relating them to myself. And the list goes on and on.
Then it just daunted on myself that I am looking down on him! And that’s not what I want to achieve out of my life.
Hence, I’ve told myself that if ever I can really let go of my dislike for him, I’ll be attaining the next level of my practice.
He is one of the biggest obstacles for me to cross…… which will make me a better person.