English version below……
It is inevitable that one will feel confused or lost once in a while.
It can be due to a remark from someone, or a scene that falls into the eyes, or a statement from a book or even just the thoughts that run wild in our mind.
For the past 2 days, I have been pondering on the difference between seeking the truth and our lust for material stuffs in this world.
Last Saturday, in order to make time for my photography shoot, I spent the morning doing house chores, and resulted in meditating for only 15 minutes before I left home.
As I sat in front of the monitor screen with the nice aroma of the instant coffee surrounding me, I was busy editing the pictures that I have taken for the day. It was a long process which took me till the late night, such that I have decided to skip my daily night meditation.
Lying on the bed, with my eyes on the dark sky outside the window, I could see only a couple of stars, with streaks of clouds passing by slowly, just like my wild thoughts.
Having skipped the meditation, I felt unease, and could not conclude whether it was due to a disruption of my habit or a self-imposed reprimand for the lack of determination.
As usual, I attempted to look back into what has happened in the day, and allowed flash backs to fill my mind. I could see once again how I have stood in front of the lake of Singapore Botanic Garden and felt at ease. The greenery that stood in front of me, painted with a little bit of red, was causing ripples in my heart, just like what the drizzles had done to the lake.
It was the first time I have met Cindy, a Facebook friend, who loves and wishes to be a model. She has agreed to be my model for the day, and I am thankful towards her. I am thankful I have been given a chance to learn portrait photography, and am thankful that I have found a new friend who shares similar liking for photography.
But because of the photography shoot, I have to put my meditation aside and I felt guilty about it.
It was a sunny Sunday and as usual, I came to Bishan park for my morning meditation walk. The sky was blue with feathers of clouds and I couldn’t help it but to capture it into my phone.
The blue sky will always remind me of the smile on Pik Kuan’s face, my best friend whom I truly miss. It used to be something that I would use to cheer her up but not it’s all history and I could only enjoy the blue sky with her in my mind.
I love to stand in an open space, be it in front of the sea, a lake or grassland, for I will be able to open up my heart fully. I can resonate with the vastness of the surrounding and then all my problems would become so small.
Quietly, I sent my blessings and wishes to her as I gazed at the blue sky, and I wished that she will lead a happy life with her husband before I continued with my morning walking mediation. That is the best gift I can give to my beloved best friend.
However, it’s been a couple of days since I have had really peaceful meditation, despite the fact that I tried my best not to access my phone, the web and social networks. My thoughts would run wild and my walking meditation was disturbed by the fact that I have not completed my meditation on Saturday.
Buddha taught us that our greeds and desires are the cause of all sufferings, as we face the truth of impermanence. Our lust for material stuffs creates pain to us when we cannot have what we want, and more pain when we obtain something just to realise that we have lost it again in the near future. We will only be freed from sufferings only if we are able to understand impermanence and stop wanting.
And as I attempt to search my inner soul and seek for the truth, hoping that it will bring me true happiness, I do sometimes wonder, have I fallen into another trap and become too obsessed in searching for the truth? That, in itself, is a suffering.
It’s really food for thoughts for me…..