自我反映(十八)——欲望的执著 / Self-Reflection (18)–Obsession

English version below……


人,难免总有感到迷惘的时刻。
或许是一些人说的一句话,或许是挤入眼帘的一幕场景,或许是书上看到的片言只语,更或许是脑海里那喋喋不休的思绪。
这两天来,我一直在思考着寻找真我与求物质享受之间差别。
星期六那天,为了打扫好卫生以便可以安心地去摄影,我只在出门前做了15分钟的坐禅。
回到家洗刷完毕之后,我便坐在电脑前享受着一杯香浓的即溶咖啡,对着屏幕指指划划,编辑着那天所捕捉到的相片。
结果,尽管心里头仍然有坐禅的意念,最终还是因为夜已深而决定跳过一次。
静躺在床上,望着窗外乌漆嘛黑的天空,星星寥寥可数,红彤彤的云彩惬意地在天空飘浮,犹如我的思绪一般。
少了一次坐禅,仿佛身心感到有点不自在,却不知道究竟是身理上已经习惯了默默坐着的歇息,还是心理上一阵自责的感受,责怪自己没有那份恒心。
于是尝试着回顾一日的经历,唯有站在植物园里的湖畔前的那一刻,才是真正让我感到心旷神怡的。

20170204-_dsc0052
对着那一片涂满诗意的景色,一片绿色里衬托了点滴鲜艳的红色,灰蒙蒙的天空洒下清凉的雨露,落在湖面上,我的心荡起了与湖面相似的朵朵的涟漪。
第一次与Facebook的朋友Cindy见面,第一次有人真正地陪我摄影,并答应充当我的模特,让我学习人像摄影,我真的很感激。我感恩上天给我的机会,也感恩找到一个算是志趣相投的朋友。
然而,我却因此而把坐禅撇在一旁,对于自己的失信感到些许的愧疚。
星期天早晨,依旧来到碧山公园步行,望见天边那一片抒情的蓝色,忍不住地还是把它捕捉在手机里。

img_9990
每一次看见蓝色的天空,便会想起好友碧君的笑容。我以为一切都已经成为过眼云烟,没想到只是一片蓝色的天,便会想起脸上曾经披上蓝蓝忧郁的她。
蓝蓝的天,白白的云,这曾是让我逗她泛起笑容的工具,可是如今我只能自己默默地感受这一片蓝天的美好。
我喜欢这样静静地面对广阔的空间,比如大海,比如湖畔,比如草原,这些都能让我感觉心胸顿时豁然开朗,仿佛就在那刻,所有的烦恼与困境都会随着热腾腾的阳光而蒸发,或是随着冰凉的雨点而被洗涤。
对着天空凝望了半响,我默默地在心里为她祈福,希望她和先生能够和平相处,过得幸福美满,才继续步行。这是我能够给她的最好的祝福,也是最好的礼物!
自从三日前开始,我的修行仿佛受到了阻碍,即便是尽量不再刷微信或是Facebook,仍然无法专注地观照身心,总是任思绪天马行空地四处奔腾,就连步行禅时内心都受到星期六没有坐禅的谴责。
佛教的基本教育是——痛苦源自于无尽的欲望,而现实生活中不是每一个人、事、物的发生都能尽如我们的意愿。当我们无法得到期望的人、事、物时,就会陷入痛苦。即便是得到了,也会因为无常而迟早需要面对失去的痛苦,唯有看破生死,看破得失,才能解脱痛苦。
而我在失意之后努力地探索内在,试图寻找自我,并期望能够因此而得到真正的幸福与快乐,曾多次怀疑自己是不是又陷入了执著,从一种欲望跌入了另一种牢笼。
这真的值得我去细细斟酌……
06.02.2017
文/林顺源


It is inevitable that one will feel confused or lost once in a while.
It can be due to a remark from someone, or a scene that falls into the eyes, or a statement from a book or even just the thoughts that run wild in our mind.
For the past 2 days, I have been pondering on the difference between seeking the truth and our lust for material stuffs in this world.
Last Saturday, in order to make time for my photography shoot, I spent the morning doing house chores, and resulted in meditating for only 15 minutes before I left home.
As I sat in front of the monitor screen with the nice aroma of the instant coffee surrounding me, I was busy editing the pictures that I have taken for the day. It was a long process which took me till the late night, such that I have decided to skip my daily night meditation.
Lying on the bed, with my eyes on the dark sky outside the window, I could see only a couple of stars, with streaks of clouds passing by slowly, just like my wild thoughts.
Having skipped the meditation, I felt unease, and could not conclude whether it was due to a disruption of my habit or a self-imposed reprimand for the lack of determination.

20170204-_dsc0052
As usual, I attempted to look back into what has happened in the day, and allowed flash backs to fill my mind. I could see once again how I have stood in front of the lake of Singapore Botanic Garden and felt at ease. The greenery that stood in front of me, painted with a little bit of red, was causing ripples in my heart, just like what the drizzles had done to the lake.
It was the first time I have met Cindy, a Facebook friend, who loves and wishes to be a model. She has agreed to be my model for the day, and I am thankful towards her. I am thankful I have been given a chance to learn portrait photography, and am thankful that I have found a new friend who shares similar liking for photography.
But because of the photography shoot, I have to put my meditation aside and I felt guilty about it.
It was a sunny Sunday and as usual, I came to Bishan park for my morning meditation walk. The sky was blue with feathers of clouds and I couldn’t help it but to capture it into my phone.

img_9990
The blue sky will always remind me of the smile on Pik Kuan’s face, my best friend whom I truly miss. It used to be something that I would use to cheer her up but not it’s all history and I could only enjoy the blue sky with her in my mind.
I love to stand in an open space, be it in front of the sea, a lake or grassland, for I will be able to open up my heart fully. I can resonate with the vastness of the surrounding and then all my problems would become so small.
Quietly, I sent my blessings and wishes to her as I gazed at the blue sky, and I wished that she will lead a happy life with her husband before I continued with my morning walking mediation. That is the best gift I can give to my beloved best friend.
However, it’s been a couple of days since I have had really peaceful meditation, despite the fact that I tried my best not to access my phone, the web and social networks. My thoughts would run wild and my walking meditation was disturbed by the fact that I have not completed my meditation on Saturday.
Buddha taught us that our greeds and desires are the cause of all sufferings, as we face the truth of impermanence. Our lust for material stuffs creates pain to us when we cannot have what we want, and more pain when we obtain something just to realise that we have lost it again in the near future. We will only be freed from sufferings only if we are able to understand impermanence and stop wanting.
And as I attempt to search my inner soul and seek for the truth, hoping that it will bring me true happiness, I do sometimes wonder, have I fallen into another trap and become too obsessed in searching for the truth? That, in itself, is a suffering.
It’s really food for thoughts for me…..
06.02.2016
Francis Lim

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: