自我反映(二十三)——爱自己 / Self-Reflection (23) — Loving Myself

English version below……


如果我们不懂得如何照顾自己,便也无法照顾我们所爱的人。爱自己是爱他人最基本的条件。——一行禅师

我不敢确定那算不算是坐禅,但是在那50分钟里,我的泪水一直不由自主地往下流。

那是集感动、喜悦、醒悟、明了、愧疚以及迷惘于一身的泪水。

面对着一片青草地以及灰色的天空,步行完的我,赤着上身坐在平台上,闭着眼开始了与自己对话,把积蓄在心底的一些回忆唤醒,试图疗愈它们。

不需多久,泪珠就已经在眼眶凝聚,我也不去克制自己的情绪,任它尽情地发挥,直至两行清泪从紧闭的眼眸滑下面颊。

在那一刻,我真正地看见自己这些年来背负着太多太多的心里负担,更从来不知道自己阴暗的一面,竟然会隐藏着许多不为人知的痛苦,导致我长年累月地伤害自己。

我仿佛看见一个小孩躲在心的一个角落,赤裸裸地蜷缩,就像一个刚被父亲抽打的小孩一般,身上散发着害怕、孤单、压抑、愧疚、自责、自卑、不被爱、被遗弃还有许许多多负面的情感。

我越看越心疼,就像望着心爱的人经历着万般的痛苦却又爱莫能助。我只好望着他,用最真挚的情感与言语安抚他,希望他能够感受到我对他那份那无条件的爱,更期待他能够接纳自己的不完美,接受自己这些年来所犯的错,以及日积月累的负面的信念不一定是对的,然后宽恕自己。

这么多年了,我一直在用自己的阴影化作情绪惩罚自己,折磨自己。每一次的发怒,每一的忧伤,每一次的自责,每一次的寂寞都是内在小孩所发出的讯息,可我却一直忽略了他的伤痛,没有真正地呵护他、观照他。

终于都明白我的心里一直不能平静,感受不到和平,是因为我从来都没有真正地爱过自己!

纵观当今的世界,不论去哪里,每一次的出入境都需要经过无数的安检,仿佛每一个人都是可疑的凶犯。而恐怖袭击仍然四处崛起,处处岌岌可危,人人步步为营。

而单位里,看似风平浪静,却是暗潮汹涌。真小人与伪君子的明争暗斗,无非是为了守着一份工作,或是爬上高领阶梯,搞得人人自危。无辜的底层员工,被迫提高生产量,减低成本,总是无意间被公司的政治卷入漩涡里。

这一切都是因为人与人之间的信任降落到最低程度,缺乏了对彼此的爱心。而一个连自己都不爱的人,心里又哪里能够得到平静与祥和呢?

也不知过了多久,一阵疾风忽然带着点点雨水席卷而至,打在我的背上。我再次运用心想事成的法则对着天空默默祈祷,祈求上天让我顺顺利利、完完全全地去经历那一刻的感动。

雨,来了又去,去了又来,而我一边呼求宇宙的光抚慰我受伤的内在小孩,一边祈求宇宙不要让雨下得太大。我想象着一道温暖的光芒突破云层,笔直地穿过我的心扉,照亮那个躺在心里那个可怜的内在小孩。

当我睁开眼的时候,雨已经停了。我脸上泛起一丝舒畅以及感激的微笑,情不自禁地张开双手,以大字型的姿态躺在平台上。

我发誓从今天开始,我要真正地好好地爱自己,唯有从自己开始,我才能把爱延伸至身边的人……

12.02.2017

文/林顺源


If we do not know how to take care of ourselves, we cannot take care of the people we love. Loving oneself is the foundation of loving another person. — Thich Nhat Hahn

I am not even sure was that even considered as meditation, as my tears began to roll when I looked deeply within my inner self during the 50 minutes long session.

They were tears of joy, enlightenment, understanding, guilt and loss.

Facing the greenery and the darkened sky, I sat on the platform after my usual walk. With my shirt off and my eyes closed, I allowed flashback of some memories and began to talk to myself (I was literally talking to myself aloud), hoping to heal some unhappiness.

It was just a matter of 5 minutes when tears gathered round the corners of my eyes and I didn’t stop them, till they rolled down slowly.

At that ver moment, I could see that I have had shouldered on too many burdens all these years, never to realise that pains and sufferings have been deeply hidden in my dark shadow.

I imagined seeing a child hiding in a corner, as if he has just been beaten by his father. And his curled body was trembling, exuding fear, loneliness, suppression, guilt, self-accusation, inferiority, not being loved and many other negative emotions.

I felt hurt, as if I was looking at my beloved going through pains and feeling helpless. I looked at him, and as sincere and tender as I could, I started to comfort hi, hoping that he can feel my unconditional love for him, and that he could accept all the flaws and mistakes that were made in the past. I hoped that he could understand that all his negative emotions may not be what he thought they were, and by doing so, to forgive himself.

For many years, I have been punishing and torturing myself via this inner child who holds the dark side. Every anger, every disappointments and every self-accusations, were the results of an inferior inner child but yet time and again, I have neglected him.

I have finally found the reason of my failure to reach inner peace, for I have never learned to love myself!

Looking at the world we are in now, there is insecurity, and everyone and anyone can be a suspect to be suicide bomber.

The same thing applies in our corporate environment, where people fight for power. I contribute all these to the lack of love and trust amongst humankind.

And if the lack of love relates to insecurity, how can a person who doesn’t love himself find peace within?

As I continue to entrench myself in the process of self realisation, the sky began to sprinkle droplets of water and splash on my back. Once again, I prayed and wished that the rain will just stop or at least maintain as a drizzle, so that I could experience the emotion that was flowing freely in my heart. I imagined a ray of warm and comforting light piercing through the clouds and shine upon my inner child.

And as I opened my eyes at the end of the session, the rain was gone. A gratified smile climbed onto my face and I couldn’t help it but opened both my arms and let my whole body fell onto the platform where I meditated.

I promised myself that I shall love myself truly from today onwards. And only by doing so, then can I learn to love the other people around me……

12.02.2017

Francis Lim

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