English version below……
If we do not know how to take care of ourselves, we cannot take care of the people we love. Loving oneself is the foundation of loving another person. — Thich Nhat Hahn
I am not even sure was that even considered as meditation, as my tears began to roll when I looked deeply within my inner self during the 50 minutes long session.
They were tears of joy, enlightenment, understanding, guilt and loss.
Facing the greenery and the darkened sky, I sat on the platform after my usual walk. With my shirt off and my eyes closed, I allowed flashback of some memories and began to talk to myself (I was literally talking to myself aloud), hoping to heal some unhappiness.
It was just a matter of 5 minutes when tears gathered round the corners of my eyes and I didn’t stop them, till they rolled down slowly.
At that ver moment, I could see that I have had shouldered on too many burdens all these years, never to realise that pains and sufferings have been deeply hidden in my dark shadow.
I imagined seeing a child hiding in a corner, as if he has just been beaten by his father. And his curled body was trembling, exuding fear, loneliness, suppression, guilt, self-accusation, inferiority, not being loved and many other negative emotions.
I felt hurt, as if I was looking at my beloved going through pains and feeling helpless. I looked at him, and as sincere and tender as I could, I started to comfort hi, hoping that he can feel my unconditional love for him, and that he could accept all the flaws and mistakes that were made in the past. I hoped that he could understand that all his negative emotions may not be what he thought they were, and by doing so, to forgive himself.
For many years, I have been punishing and torturing myself via this inner child who holds the dark side. Every anger, every disappointments and every self-accusations, were the results of an inferior inner child but yet time and again, I have neglected him.
I have finally found the reason of my failure to reach inner peace, for I have never learned to love myself!
Looking at the world we are in now, there is insecurity, and everyone and anyone can be a suspect to be suicide bomber.
The same thing applies in our corporate environment, where people fight for power. I contribute all these to the lack of love and trust amongst humankind.
And if the lack of love relates to insecurity, how can a person who doesn’t love himself find peace within?
As I continue to entrench myself in the process of self realisation, the sky began to sprinkle droplets of water and splash on my back. Once again, I prayed and wished that the rain will just stop or at least maintain as a drizzle, so that I could experience the emotion that was flowing freely in my heart. I imagined a ray of warm and comforting light piercing through the clouds and shine upon my inner child.
And as I opened my eyes at the end of the session, the rain was gone. A gratified smile climbed onto my face and I couldn’t help it but opened both my arms and let my whole body fell onto the platform where I meditated.
I promised myself that I shall love myself truly from today onwards. And only by doing so, then can I learn to love the other people around me……