English Version Below
I’ve been meditating for more than 3 months, starting from late November 2016. I started off with 5 minutes, hoping to find some peace within myself.
Today, I’m able to sit for 45 minutes to an hour, sometimes shorter, and I consider that as a personal achievement. Am I meditating? I do not really know but what I gradually understand is that the duration and the desire behind each meditation should not be part of meditation itself.
Everyday, except weekends, my alarm will buzz off at 5 am in the morning.
It’s a signal for me to get out of bed, cross my legs and kick off the day with a short meditation. I do not give any time limit to the morning meditation. It can be 15 minutes, 20 minutes or even an hour. But the evening meditation before bedtime, I will make it an effort to sit for more than half an hour.
I’m still reading up a lot on meditation, mindfulness and seeking my inner self. And with my own experiences, I’ve come to realise that meditation should just be part of my life, it’s not something that I can use as a tool, or something that can enlighten me.
In essence, meditation is stopping for a moment and learn about oneself, or bluntly speaking, it’s just sitting there doing nothing and let my busy mind rest as much as I can.
However, I take the opportunity of this silent moment to search internally for the lost soul, commonly known as our inner child.
It was believed that each and every one of us has an inner child that has not grown up, and he commands many of our uncontrollable behaviours.
In this new world, we’ve been trying our best in our life to understand other people, regardless what roles are, be it a friend, a parent, a child, a supervisor, a manager, so that we can manage our relationships.
But, how much do we understand ourselves?
We think that by reading up books on relationships management, or attending courses on leadership will make us understand people around us better. But as I meditate to seek for my inner peace, I realised that I do not understand myself at all.
The inner child within myself has been feeling lonely. Not only have I neglected what he wants and needs, I have never known his existence.
It’s not an easy task to dive deep into our soul and see the inner child. It even takes courage to acknowledge his existence, for he will make us feel weak, lousy and sometimes a failure.
Gradually, I begin to understand what it means by “our behaviours are driven by the inner child unknowingly”. And as I became more mindful, I begin to take control of my emotions.
Of course, there are times I lose control of myself when the incident that befalls on me is too huge for me to handle. I’m still learning.
I talk to my inner child as much as I can, and as soon as I can feel an emotion rising from within. I do face challenges in seeking the truth behind every emotion, even when I try to talk to my inner child. He seems to be hiding something from me, he seems to be very stubborn, and he seems to have shielded himself from the world outside.
Sometimes I do really wonder, will I ever get to know what he really thinks at all?