我的内在小孩 / My Inner Child

English Version Below
  静坐至今也有超过三个月了。
  打从去年的11月从5分钟的静坐开始,我便一直在寻找内在的小孩。
  而今天,我可以静坐45分钟至一个小时,偶尔或许短些,但对此我已感到自足。我是在修行吗?我不知道,但却、慢慢地领悟到静坐时间的长短以及想要达到顿悟不应该是静坐的一部分,因为那将是一种执念。
  除了周末之外,我的闹钟每天早晨5点就会响起,提醒我是做早课的时候了。总是带着睡眼惺忪的状态下床,坐在蒲团上开始了一日的冥想,或是15分钟,或是半小时,偶尔可以坐个45分钟。
  虽然早课我尽量不给自己任何时间限制,但睡前我总要静坐个至少半个小时。
  我依然勤奋地阅读有关修行,静坐以及正念的书籍,偶尔还会触碰心想事成法则的文字。在经过了自己的体验之后,逐渐发现静坐应该是我生活中的一部分,而不是让我开悟的工具。
  顾名思义,静坐是让自己的身、心、灵停下来,什么也不做,让自己繁忙的脑袋可以得到些许的歇息。
  然而,我却利用静坐的时间来探索自己的内心,寻找所谓的内在小孩。
  根据许多灵性的书籍(包括禅修书籍),我们每个人的内心里都有一个不曾长大的小孩,是他一直在操纵着一些我们无法理解的行为。
  在这个新世纪,我们花费了许多时间去了解其他的人,比如亲密,父母,孩子,朋友,同事,上司下属等等,只为了能够在对周围的人有更好的人是。于是我们翻阅书籍,参与课程,以为这样就可以更好地处理人际关系。事实上,我们真的能够了解人性吗?而我们对自己又了解了多少?
  当我真正地停下来在内心探索时,发现对于自己的内心竟然是一知半解。原来,我的内在小孩一直在感觉孤单、自卑、不被爱,而我不止忽略了他,简直是忽视了他的存在。
  探索内在,企图了解自我并不是一件容易的事,有时甚至需要勇气去面对自己多年来不愿承认的脆弱与缺点。因为他会使我们感觉懦弱以及失败。
  终于都明白为何总是看到这样一句话:“我们所有的言行举止都在无意间被内在小孩所操控”。而当我开始了自我觉知,我却把这份操控权掌握在自己手里,不让情绪随着周遭的人、事、物所影响。当然,偶尔我还是会因为某些超过我所能处理的事件的发生而失去了控制。
  我知道我还有很长的一段路要走。
  我经常与自己的内在小孩对话,尤其当我觉知情绪涌上的时候,便会把心静下来倾听内在小孩的心声。即便如此,我仍然面临无数的挑战,因为倔强的他似乎有意隐藏一些事实,在我和他之间竖立了一道无形的墙,不知隔离了我,也隔离了外面的视界。
  有时我真的在想,究竟会不会有那么一天我能够真正地知道他心里在想些什么?
  03.04.2017
  文/林顺源

  I’ve been meditating for more than 3 months, starting from late November 2016. I started off with 5 minutes, hoping to find some peace within myself.
  Today, I’m able to sit for 45 minutes to an hour, sometimes shorter, and I consider that as a personal achievement. Am I meditating? I do not really know but what I gradually understand is that the duration and the desire behind each meditation should not be part of meditation itself.
  Everyday, except weekends, my alarm will buzz off at 5 am in the morning.
  It’s a signal for me to get out of bed, cross my legs and kick off the day with a short meditation. I do not give any time limit to the morning meditation. It can be 15 minutes, 20 minutes or even an hour. But the evening meditation before bedtime, I will make it an effort to sit for more than half an hour.
  I’m still reading up a lot on meditation, mindfulness and seeking my inner self. And with my own experiences, I’ve come to realise that meditation should just be part of my life, it’s not something that I can use as a tool, or something that can enlighten me.
  In essence, meditation is stopping for a moment and learn about oneself, or bluntly speaking, it’s just sitting there doing nothing and let my busy mind rest as much as I can.
  However, I take the opportunity of this silent moment to search internally for the lost soul, commonly known as our inner child.
  It was believed that each and every one of us has an inner child that has not grown up, and he commands many of our uncontrollable behaviours.
  In this new world, we’ve been trying our best in our life to understand other people, regardless what roles are, be it a friend, a parent, a child, a supervisor, a manager, so that we can manage our relationships.
  But, how much do we understand ourselves?
  We think that by reading up books on relationships management, or attending courses on leadership will make us understand people around us better. But as I meditate to seek for my inner peace, I realised that I do not understand myself at all.
  The inner child within myself has been feeling lonely. Not only have I neglected what he wants and needs, I have never known his existence.
  It’s not an easy task to dive deep into our soul and see the inner child. It even takes courage to acknowledge his existence, for he will make us feel weak, lousy and sometimes a failure.
  Gradually, I begin to understand what it means by “our behaviours are driven by the inner child unknowingly”. And as I became more mindful, I begin to take control of my emotions.
  Of course, there are times I lose control of myself when the incident that befalls on me is too huge for me to handle. I’m still learning.
  I talk to my inner child as much as I can, and as soon as I can feel an emotion rising from within. I do face challenges in seeking the truth behind every emotion, even when I try to talk to my inner child. He seems to be hiding something from me, he seems to be very stubborn, and he seems to have shielded himself from the world outside.
  Sometimes I do really wonder, will I ever get to know what he really thinks at all?
  03.04.2017
  Francis Lim
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