English version below
I feel guilty, at least for now.
As I was reading one of the inspirational blog from Ajibola who attempts to motivate writers not to give up writing, I felt a sense of guilt arising from within.
What really struck me was this quote that says: if you are waiting for inspiration to write, you are not a writer, you are a waiter.
And that’s precisely what I am now.
For the past couple of months, I’ve been putting off my writings, finding excuses such as the lack of the right mood, inspiration, time, etc.
Not only have I neglected my writings, I seem to have also put down my camera, one that which I hope will help me capture the beauty and reality of life.
And I am not reading as much as I promised myself. My books are left on the table collecting dust.
Most importantly, I have forgotten what I set myself to do from the beginning of the year just before my birthday on 20 Jan.
I have forgotten to practice the way despite my daily and 2 hourly reminders!
I continue to meditate minimum twice a day, one in the morning when I wake up and one before I sleep. And I bumped into some difficulties recently, for I noticed that I haven’t been able to find peace in my heart.
My thoughts ran wild when I was sitting still. My focus was lost, no matter how hard I tried to count my breaths.
I could feel an energy bumping around in the middle of my chest. It’s telling me that I’m not feeling peaceful.
There was even a couple of times when I just simply gave up and get out of that meditation state.
I felt weak!
For weeks, I have been busy with playing and practising Table Tennis, besides sourcing for my table tennis racket, balls, and action camera.
It was only when I began to feel disturbed during my meditation that I realised I have gone “astray”. I have allowed my desires for these material stuffs to gobble my filthy heart, so much so that they are now hindrances to me in practising my way.
It is kind of funny that as I am going through this struggle, I can better understand how our desires and greed can really affect the way we feel within.
In Ajibola’s message, he said this: As a writer and blogger, you don’t have to worry about not getting much readers on your corner of the internet, don’t expect everybody to like or understand your post; the least that you need are those who always read and understand your writings and those are enough to keep inspiring you in keeping up your awesome works.
I guess this is truly something that most bloggers and writers feel, the wish to increase readership but yet do not know what and how to write, and sometimes finding lots of excuses not to write. This is a desire uncalled for. It will just be a hindrance to people like me who wish to use our words to help the other people.
All we need to do is just pen our thoughts down, without worrying too much of who reads them.
In my self reflection last night, I knew that I have to acknowledge my desires and look at them in the eyes. I will then be able to start all over again……