自我反映(??)——从零开始 / Self Reflection (??) – Starting all over again

English version below
  已经忘了最后一次做自我反映是何时了,因此我感到羞愧。
  我的羞愧来自于那天当我读着另一名博客的文字。他的博客里有那么一张贴纸,写着:如果你一直在等待灵感才写作,那么你就不是一个作者,而是一个等待的人。
  今天的我,正是这样的人。
  过去的这两个月,我一直都没有真正地写作,总是感觉没有灵感或是没有时间。这不过是一些懒惰的借口。
  事实上,我不止写作停滞不前,就连我的摄影机,一个我希望能够帮我捕捉生活百态的仪器,也被我搁置在一旁。
  看书更不用说了,偶尔提起书本,不过翻了两页我便把它们放下。
  最为重要的是,我仿佛忘了当初对自己许下的承诺,把正念,修行当成是我生活的一部分。
  虽然日以继夜地继续静坐,近日却发现遇见了重重阻碍,总是心猿意马,毫无集中力,即便尽量数呼吸也数得乱七八糟的。
  我可以感觉一股躁动在我的心胸(即黄庭)活蹦乱跳,导致我曾在10至15分钟后便放弃静坐。
  自从重新提起乒乓球拍,这些日子来,我在这门运动着实花费了一些时间。除了练习之外,便是网上购买乒乓球拍,乒乓球等等。后来更喜欢上了录影,开始涉猎运动型摄像机。
  最近的静坐失败,让我猛然想起自己似乎忘了初衷,也让我体会到物质上的欲望的确会扰乱人们的心。
  在那名博客的文里,他也说:身为一名博客与作者,不必太在意有多少读者会欣赏我们的文字。但是只要在千千万万人当中有一个知音,懂得你的心声,或是因为你的文字而获益,便足以激励我们继续写作。
  我想许多爱写作的人都有这个通病,就是希望自己的文章会受大众欢迎,可是脑袋里总是挤不出可以让人感动的文字。于是,便找了许多借口不写。其实,这是不必要的,因为这恰恰是阻碍我们让自己的文字得以帮助那些懂得欣赏的读者。
  最起码我们可以忠于自己的起心动念,把自己的心得记录下来,别管谁懂得欣赏,别再为自己找诸多借口。
  摄影如是,修行也如是。
  在我昨夜的自我反映里,我意识到我必须坦诚地面对自己的欲望以及弱点,收敛收敛,然后从零开始……
  02.05.2017
  文/林顺源

 

  I feel guilty, at least for now.
  As I was reading one of the inspirational blog from Ajibola who attempts to motivate writers not to give up writing, I felt a sense of guilt arising from within.
  What really struck me was this quote that says: if you are waiting for inspiration to write, you are not a writer, you are a waiter.
  And that’s precisely what I am now.
  For the past couple of months, I’ve been putting off my writings, finding excuses such as the lack of the right mood, inspiration, time, etc.
  Not only have I neglected my writings, I seem to have also put down my camera, one that which I hope will help me capture the beauty and reality of life.
  And I am not reading as much as I promised myself. My books are left on the table collecting dust.
  Most importantly, I have forgotten what I set myself to do from the beginning of the year just before my birthday on 20 Jan.
  I have forgotten to practice the way despite my daily and 2 hourly reminders!
  I continue to meditate minimum twice a day, one in the morning when I wake up and one before I sleep. And I bumped into some difficulties recently, for I noticed that I haven’t been able to find peace in my heart.
  My thoughts ran wild when I was sitting still. My focus was lost, no matter how hard I tried to count my breaths.
  I could feel an energy bumping around in the middle of my chest. It’s telling me that I’m not feeling peaceful.
  There was even a couple of times when I just simply gave up and get out of that meditation state.
  I felt weak!
  For weeks, I have been busy with playing and practising Table Tennis, besides sourcing for my table tennis racket, balls, and action camera.
  It was only when I began to feel disturbed during my meditation that I realised I have gone “astray”. I have allowed my desires for these material stuffs to gobble my filthy heart, so much so that they are now hindrances to me in practising my way.
  It is kind of funny that as I am going through this struggle, I can better understand how our desires and greed can really affect the way we feel within.
  In Ajibola’s message, he said this: As a writer and blogger, you don’t have to worry about not getting much readers on your corner of the internet, don’t expect everybody to like or understand your post; the least that you need are those who always read and understand your writings and those are enough to keep inspiring you in keeping up your awesome works.
  I guess this is truly something that most bloggers and writers feel, the wish to increase readership but yet do not know what and how to write, and sometimes finding lots of excuses not to write. This is a desire uncalled for. It will just be a hindrance to people like me who wish to use our words to help the other people.
  All we need to do is just pen our thoughts down, without worrying too much of who reads them.
  In my self reflection last night, I knew that I have to acknowledge my desires and look at them in the eyes. I will then be able to start all over again……
  02.05.2017
  Francis Lim
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