Never did I reaslise that my belief was so superficial, that deep within myself, there is still a dark shadow lurking slyly, waiting for opportunity to pounce on me.
And it did.
For 2 years, I’ve tried my best to practise what I’ve learned, maintaining mindfulness and meditating to calm my mind down and find peace within.
But as I found more peace, and when things got smoother, I forgot what I have learned, or to simply put, I have taken for granted and neglected my practices. My greed began to build up once again, my dissatisfaction towards the people around me started to creep into my heart without me knowing. And then my life became not as peaceful as I wished.
And then boom!
Suddenly I found myself lost in this world once again.
I began to look within and ask the 5 whys. Why did things turn out to be like this? Why did I turn out to be unhappy? Why, why, why, why and why?
What came out of the many whys didn’t really shocked me, what shocked me was that I was aware of the root causes and yet I let them be.
As things seem to be more beautiful and promising, I started to build a dream, visualising the kind of life that I want. But then unknowingly, I have also allowed greed, attachment and discontentment to engulf me, so much so that fears crept into my heart silently. The fears of losing what I have created or built so far, the fears of losing something that I hold so dearly in my life, the fears of the unknown, the fears of life not going the way I want it to go.
Jim Carrey said in one of his speeches or interviews: You will only ever have 2 choices – love or fear. Choose love, and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart. You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about the pathway to the future but all there will ever be is what’s happening here and the decisions we make in this moment which are based in either love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality….
What a profound statement, at least to me. When I let fear crept into my subconscious, I began to worry so much that I forgot all that I have learned, such as letting go, being mindful and then behaved in such a way that steered me away from what I wanted to achieve.
Isn’t that true for most of us? The more we fear, the more we hold on tightly to the things that we do not wish to lose, and then suddenly we realised, we have lost it. I could have chosen love instead of fears, and my past experiences which lie deep in the heart of my subconscious or ego, made me so fearful that I attracted what I didn’t want.
I witnessed a friend giving up her dream that could mean happiness for her because of fear, or so I have assumed. Her past experience has so much impact on her, that she is afraid that her dreams will cause her to have more disappointments in the future. So she chooses to close herself up, protecting herself from further hurt. But what she fails to realise is that past experiences are not evidence of what life will be in the future. She deserves to be loved and she deserves a better life.
I know her story, her predicament and I can fully understand why she feels so, for I was like her, letting fears control my mind, my dreams and my future. I can fully sympathise with her.
Tomorrow , as I embark on the unknown journey, I told myself to take this opportunity to look within myself again, asking myself what do I really want in life after having spending most of my time trying to make others happy, showering them with love, just to realise that I do not know what love is. I don’t even know how to self-love.
What I know is that I am being loved, and I deserved to be loved. So now what I need to do for a start is to love myself first.
Looking at the pictures of the 3 of us, it reminds me of my loving and kind nature. I shall do self-reflection and think of how I shall love the others unconditionally.